So, we all have heard it, we’ve all even said it. “I wish I can pick and choose my own family!” -at some point in time in our lives. I know I have, repeatedly!!!!! Most of us have even done it.
My family is so big, on both sides. Do we get along? Heck no! Do we speak to one another? Heck no! So, does that make us normal? 87% of the population of the United States. Okay great, I am not alone in this! Now for the other 13% I do envy, how you guys all come together and get along. I want the name of the pharmacy/drug/God/ thing that brings you all together because I would love that too…… maybe.
But I don’t, so moving on.
I do have a lot of people who are not “Blood” that I call family. Reason so is because there were times that I needed help from family and family wouldn’t provide. The people who were not “blood” were there, through the thick and the thin. So, to me, that deserves a spot in my family tree.
There are a lot of us out here who don’t have family. They have people who they call family that are not blood, so there is no difference. It all comes down to who’s there and who’s not.
To me Family is people who love you. People who support you for whatever you do in life or for whatever you are going through and will back you up if your backed up against a wall and a hard place.
So, what does Family mean to you? How would you define family?
So, with November being the thankful month, let’s start this month off with what we are most thankful for. For starters let’s just name three things that I am grateful for and maybe as the years progress, I can add on.
The three things that I am Grateful for.
First and foremost, is my daughter. She is my whole world. I am sure that you hear that from any parent about their child. Which is true, for any parent, who love their children. Mine I think, in my eyes, saved my life before I even knew her, knew her name, knew her gender.
I was told that I could never get pregnant due to my then obesity and a shot that I was on that apparently “destroyed” my ovaries. I was a heavy drinker due to my depression, who I hid really well from loved ones and friends. Which lead to further damages, which we won’t go into further detail on that just yet. Along with drinking, I also smoked, at least a pack a day. I wanted to disappear within my day and not be found.
One day, my then boyfriend and I were at Ceder point having fun on what seemed to be the hottest day of the year! So, we drank so much water that day I swear I could have floated on Lake Erie. When we left that night, we had dinner, and we had to go the store for some supplies. That was when almost every store was open 24 hours before covid.
While shopping I began to throw things into the cart that contained cherry flavored items. Like Cherry flavored drinks, snacks, cakes, candies, Ice cream, etc. My ex stopped the cart while in mid aisle and asked as to what was up and I said nothing I just said that I was in the mood for Cherry flavored stuff and suggested we should go to the grocery side and get some actual cherries. He suggested we should get a test. I shrugged and said whatever, thinking that nothing would come of it. Boy was I wrong.
After that strip turned a different color and made an appointment for the doctor to confirm it. My habits of smoking, drinking, depression, obesity and actually taking care of myself changed the instant that that stick turned a different color.
Needless to say, I am beyond grateful, blessed, lucky,….words cannot express how I can explain as to how I can or tell you the magnitude of emotions for this individual that has come into my life unexpectedly. And I have no regrets.
2. The family that I have left.
I have family, don’t get me wrong but there is a rift in the family to where we are not close at all. I only talk to my mom and my brother and that is it. Sure, I have a dad who somewhat tries only because I am well past 18 and he no longer has to pay child support and no longer thinks that I am a mindless idiot, even though I am one of the most successful ones out of all of his kids, next to my sister. (Different mother). I have Aunts and Uncles on both sides. On my mother’s side, I am a walking taboo, in their eyes. After my grandmother past no one ever gets together anymore. On my father side, I just feel awkward like I don’t belong there.
So, my family contain only my mother, brother, my daughter and my step-father and some of his family members. We Just keep it small. We see the others from time to time and pass a hello here and there but that is the extent of greetings.
3. Friends that I manage to keep.
I know the way I worded it may sound funny. Friends that I manage to keep. What does that mean????
Well… I did mention before I am very blunt and very few people like me for who I am, and a lot of people do not like me because of my forwardness. I have very few friends which I shouldn’t really call them friends now because of the length that I we have been together. They are more like family than my real family.
So, if I can change what I am grateful for, it is for my friends that I have made into family. These individuals have been through thick and thin with me and vis versa. Whenever I was in trouble they were there and if they were in trouble, I was there for them. It’s to the point we have somewhat matching tattoos, we ride bikes, we communicate without even talking and we just know and if we do go long periods without talking, we pick up right where we left off like nothing was a miss. We don’t judge one another, often, of what we do, choose, act, or say. We are just one.
I guess we really do pick and choose our family if we want to. I think I picked the best ones!
What are you grateful for? Let’s start November off with something that we are proud of. So, let’s hear it, what are you grateful for?
To tell you the truth, I really don’t think about it too much. Normally when the subject comes up I either ignore it or I change the subject. It may take a few tries but its easily put behind me. Occasionally the subject lingers for more than just a few subjects. Frankly it’s quite an annoying subject, that keeps coming up.
I am single by choice. I find it easier that way. Some would say that I am searching for something or maybe Iam trying to work on me or focus on my individual goals.
Truth, it’s because I like my freedom, my independence. True, I am searching for something, but I don’t’ know what just yet but I’ll be patient until I do.
Now do I get lonely, of course I do but it fades, and I am back to normal. I don’t dwell too much on it. I even have embraced the nickname ‘Lonewolf’. I love wolves anyway, so I am ok with the nickname as well.
I often get the questions, ‘well don’t you want to get married? Don’t you want any more children?” ‘Isn’t it selfish of you to not have a ‘father figure’ or a ‘second mother figure’ within your daughter’s life?” Oh yes, I have been asked that last question many times. I don’t take it personally, some people don’t know my thoughts or my situation. I even been told that I can’t commit to anybody or that I can’t get along with anyone. Well, that’s not entirely true. But allow me to laugh about it for a moment.
Let me explain, hopefully it will clear up a few of those questions. I’m not gay (which there is nothing wrong with that, I have many adorable gay friends). I did have a boyfriend for eight in half years. We had a beautiful baby girl together. Unfortunately, we had different views on parenting, which lead to us splitting up, for the most part.
Did I want to get married? Well, I had my moments but as I get older, marriage, to me, is just a piece of paper and few rings and a few promises that can be easily broken. As for more children, I do but I am not financially stable for another one. So, I don’t think about it as much. So, I pay attention to the baby that I do have and, in her needs, and so far, it’s been good.
The ‘father figure,’ well as a single mother, I have to play both roles. My daughter’s father is in her life but it’s a long story to tell in this blog. I do know that she knows that if she needs me, she’ll know that I’ll always be there. Besides I rather my daughter see me happy than miserable. I don’t want her growing up thinking that she has to settle for less in a relationship. Especially if she is unhappy and that she doesn’t have a choice, when she does.
I have even been told that I am prude. I’m not, I just don’t have the time to go out or start over with someone new. I’ve even been told that Iam scared. Nope, wrong again, I have nothing to be scared of.
I can tell you one thing that does bother me. I am tired of people telling me that I need a man. Well, I’ll pull a page out of that movie, Eat Pray Love with Julia Roberts and Javier Bardem. “You don’t need a man, you need a champion.” So, I’ll be patient, and I’ll wait for that “champion” I do know that I will be stubborn for when someone comes because I’ll know as to what I want and what I will not tolerate.
So, in all reality I don’t mind being single and I know that there is nothing wrong with that. I like working on me and my baby girl. I like my freedom. I like me. I am happy. I don’t have low insecurities or low self-esteem. Not that I know of. I know that I am just me and I know my worth and only the best deserves my worth.
So, tell me, if you are single, do you like being single? If so, tell me why, if not do the same. Either way I’d love to hear your brave stories.
I was asked what would I do if I won the lottery, The Mega million jackpot, what would I do with it?
Well, If I won the lottery, I would first:
pay off all of my debts
build my dream house (and sorry it isn’t a big one, just a simple one)
a new car
a new mortocycle
take a few classes
save back for emergency
make a few of my daughters dreams come true
then donate the rest
Let me explain.
I would like to pay off all of my debts from school, credit cards, Morgage, car payments. pay my car insurance and internet in a year’s advance, giving me the time to catch up on my bank account status.
For the new house, now don’t get me wrong, I love the house that I am in now, but I could use an upgrade, and this house was a life saver for me to get away. This one I would love to have a corner stone fireplace, hardwood floors, in every room. Five bedrooms would be nice. My bathroom would have a walk-in spiral shower, the mirror would have a vintage barn door slide to reveal shelves behind them, on both sides of the mirror. In the laundry room there would be a fold out table to fold out the clothes and organize them to go in baskets to get them to where they need to go. With me being an ad vide reader I want a huge and I mean a huge library! but along with this library it will be my Zen room/ office/ sunroom but hidden for only me to use. My little get away to well, get away. A Beautiful kitchen well lite to cook in with an island and lots of counter space and shelving. Meaning a walk-in pantry. A table to sit at near a floor to ceiling window, for family time. As for the outside of course there would be a front porch by why stop there? That thing will wrap itself around the whole house. Big enough to have rocking chairs, swings, hammocks, covered by a roof so we wouldn’t get rained on. There would be a place for a grill, table and fire pit to enjoy those summer days. Seeing that we live in Ohio I would like to have a finish basement but with concrete floors for us to maybe rollerblade around on in the winter months or on rainy days. The yard would depend on my daughters wants and the other want I want. Along with a three-car garage to store of course the cars, motorcycles, lawn mower and any other outdoor tools.
Why the new car? Well for my job I drive a lot! With some winters and our busy schedule, I like to be prepared but I would like to have a Highlander Hyundai Tucson and a Jeep Cherokee. Something that is easy on gas and big enough due to me and my daughter being so tall and enough to haul her sports luggage around.
As for the Motocycle, I already have a 2008 Honda Shadow Ace Sabra 1100, that I have practically rebuilt to being new with the help of my stepfather, but I would also like to own a Honda Rebell 1100 one day, but we will see. Why you say? It’s just pretty!!! lol A teal one with silver bars with black bags would be beautiful in my eyes.
Next on my list would be lessons/ classes that I learn on my own time. For instance, I would by Rosetta stone with the different languages. Learn, Spanish, Indonesian, be more advance in Cherokee, Irish, Greek, Latin for starters. Then pay for computer classes for writing classes, psychology, maybe take a dance class or cooking class. Learning something different just to peak my interests. Can’t hurt to learn new things or educate myself with more knowledge of what I want to learn.
I then would put back ten grand for my daughter, myself and for any emergency, to get that started. Then add another account for if any family or close friend that needs help getting back on their feet. Everybody or someone just need a little help once in a while. Why not pass it along?
As for my daughter, she always wanted a horse/ dog farm. She said she only wants one horse to ride maybe two for us to ride together but no more. I am thinking she realizes that they are a lot of work to take care of. Then there is the dog farm part. Bless her, her heart is in the right place. She wants to have a huge barn that is sectioned off for each dog and leveled for each floor so that way they will have a warm place and a bed to lay on and a roof to lay under. To keep it clean, at the back of each stall there will be a shoot to where we can push the old straw or debris from the dog’s room. Pull a lever and it will tilt up having gravity pull the old hay and debris down to wagon to be thrown out. Wide open space for the dogs to run and play to their hearts content until their life ends or if they are adopted. You see she just learned that some places euthanize dogs, and she felt really bad. She wants us to adopt all of them to give them a second chance and call the place that. Second Chance. I love the thought very much because I adore dogs. So, the yard question from up above, maybe 10 acers isn’t too much?
Last but not least, I would donate the rest to charity. I would split that up cause there are so many charities that I would love to donate too. St Jude’s Hospitals, Shelters around the world for Aspca, wounded warrior project to help our soldiers, regardless if they are wounded or not. They deserve to be taken care more for their sacrifice and bravery. Foster cares for children in general for help if they were abused, for their education, food clothing etc. Also, for the mental health organizations.
With the jack pot being $1.28 Billion (as of right now) I don’t need all that money. I know the things I want seem sort of selfish but the way I think about it is, if I have a steady ground then I can help those around who don’t. Just until they are on their feet. Hence the reason for the spare bedrooms and double SUVs so they have a place to stay and a working vehicle. Then that ten grand would be helpful for Maintenace if needed or clothes for them to wear.
If you won, the lottery what would you do with your money?
To tell you the truth, I had to think about this question.
What do I like about myself?
Hmmm, I don’t think it’s more physical or mental or even vice versa. Or maybe I do, I don’t know but I do know that I am digressing.
I like how my mind constantly changes. How my views on different things from time-to-time change. My interests change on how I like things at any given time.
For instance, I like to cook, I find essential oils, astrology, myths and legends of all nations fascinating. Different languages from those nations. One day I hope to be fluent in Spanish, sign language and a little more fluent in Cherokee.
I obviously love to write and read, constantly. I would love to learn wire jewelry, quilling art and herbology to heal naturally.
I want to help people with their confidence levels. Knowing more in psychology would help tremendously.
See, what I mean about my different wants? To me, there isn’t enough time in the day.
Oh, and to top it off I am so horrible with time management. But to me this is okay cause I feel that my creativity comes out more if under pressure. Although this only works on things that I am interested in not something that I should be working on, like school assignments.
Some will say that I am undecisive, scatter brained but I’m okay with this. It makes me unique, makes me, well me!
I am all for learning new things that are fun. I think it makes me blend in well with any of my friends’ hobbies. That way they will still enjoy what they love to do, and I would learn a new hobby. Win, win!
So, I may have a touch of ADHD or Bipolarness, maybe a touch of depression but I still enjoy myself in my different hobbies. At least I can’t say that I will ever get bored.
What are your hobbies that you enjoy? Do you just have one or may like me? I would love to know what you love to do.
I was asked as to what obsessions I have. I have many hanging around my house and some that may become obsessions down the road.
Now my obsessions may not be as vast as other people’s obsessions, but I do love looking at them and I sometimes have control over, if I get it or not.
Let me tell you of my obsessions.
My first obsession are Wolves, particularly the Eastern Wolf or as you may call them the Timber Wolves or the Algonquin Wolf. These beautiful creatures are smaller than a Grey Wolf (although I love all wolves, these Timber Wolves are my favorite) but they are larger than a coyote. What I love about them is that they are intermediate and sometimes intimidating, (Like all things wild, right?) They come in all sorts of colors but most of them are a grayish brown in their flanks, while their chest can be like a cream color. Some say that they are a mix of a Grey Wolf and a coyote, a result of an ancient species that were mixed together. These animals live in packs with a dominant male and female to lead the way. So, the pack is very social and loyal to their leaders. The howling at night, while they are hunting, that is them communicating to one another. Sadly, there are only 3% left in the world due to almost extinction in the early 1900s. Settlers who viewed them as a threat.
My other obsession are slots. Now you may see them as a smelling coursed hair creature that moves so slow. Be that as it may, sloths are no threat to humans. There top speed (if threatened,) is 0.17mph. They are mostly solitary creatures who like to be left alone and do not like to be touched. They are either two or three toed, they have long legs, have stumpy tails and live mostly in trees. Although they are very slow at moving either in the trees or on the ground, but they are excellent swimmers. What I like about them is that they look like they are always smiling. When they reach out to you (the Friendly ones), they have this loving look to them. It just warms my heart to see that.
I know, I know two completely different animals. One is a predator, and I associate that to be my outside. As for the prey, not so much aggression, they are what I want to be, lazy and a sleep all the time.
Books are another obsession that I have. I blame Beauty and the Beast, the 1995 cartoon version. When the Beast gave Belle a library. Too beautiful not to have/want. Grant it I don’t have one room that dedicates to a full library. My books are spread out all over my house. I do, however, have a Zen room for my books but its only for warmer weather, to actually sit out there and enjoy the outdoors.
No matter how many books I have, I constantly have the feeling that I need more! I love the way a book feels, the pages of how they smell, (I know, I’m weird). The design on some of the spines are beautiful. There are so many thoughts from different people all contained into one binding. Its breath taking but amazing to think about.
Journals, it doesn’t necessarily have to have writing in them. It could be a beautiful journal with either a special clasp or throng to keep it closed. Yes, they are for writing in but there isn’t anything that I can think of that is worth writing about in there just yet. So, I just keep them for inspirational ideas for the stories that I write.
Even the hollow books are magnificent. You can hide things within the pages. Sort of like secretes within pages to find more magnificent wonders. Now I’m no bibliomaniac to the point where I have multiple copies of the same book. I do however have many different genres and different authors of various ages. So maybe I am a Bibliophile, and I don’t regret it.
My other obsession is Dragonflies. A symbol of change, transformation and self-realization. Dragonflies’ mean many different things in different cultures around the world. They are:
Japan= symbolic of happiness, strength, courage and success.
Italy and Dakota Indians= are known as witches’ animals or their familiars.
India= Love, growth, adaptability
Egypt= It was best wishes to their soldiers who fought in a war.
I even was told that angels ride on the backs for transportation or they are our loved ones after death, and they take form of a dragonfly to come and visit with us. They come in so many different colors and sizes. I used to live near a little pond and I ‘d often watch them dance around from stem to stem. When left alone it looked like they were synchronizing among themselves or catching a prey. It is a beautiful sight, especially if you are listening to a particular music.
It’s the simple things that interest me. The way I see it, the wolf is my aggressive side for when I have to be strong. The sloth is for my off days or when I am alone and the dragonflies are my spiritual side, as for my books they allow me to explore wherever I want to go. Now if I dive in real deep the meanings of each of my obsessions are a totally different meaning but that is for a different day.
What about you? What are your obsessions? What can you tell me about you?
I can’t say that I only have one tv show that I am addicted too. I have four that I can simply watch over and over again. These four are the….
Golden Girls
Charmed (the original Halliwell sisters)
The Nanny
Bridgerton
Now I know that three of these series are outdated and being re casted and the other is brand new on Netflix. So, this is so difficult to just choose one! But for this one, I will choose Golden Girls. Let me tell you why…
Golden Girls featuring the fable woman who made them the Golden Girls! Betty White as spacey Rose Nylund. Bea Arthur as my favorite, sarcastic, Dorthy Zbornak. Estelle Getty as the saucy Italian, Sophia Petrillo and you can’t forget the lustrous southern Belle, Blanche Devereaux, played by none other than Rue Mcclanahan.
These series are about four women who literally put the ‘live, laugh, love’ on the market, in my opinion. Splitting cheesecakes among themselves as they share their Golden years together. Each with different personalities they come together with their strengths, as well as their weaknesses, to get threw everyday life.
Here I’ll break down each character and you can tell me who’s your favorite at the end.
Dorthy Zbornak is a divorced substitute teacher from Brooklyn, New York. Raised by a Sicilian immigrant parents, Sophia and Salvadore or Sal. In high school, Dorothy became pregnant and ended up marring the father of her children, Stan Zbornak. Whom, after thirty- eight years, left the marriage to marry a younger woman. Dorothy is practical, easily angered, sarcastic, towards everyone, especially her ex-husband who comes around still, knowing that he is not wanted. She goes through the series dating or not wanting to date, depending on the relationship, but then ends up marring Blanches uncle, Uncle Lucas. After each heartache the girls would gather around their table and discus their problems, with cheesecake!
Sophia Petrill, who’s Dorothys mother was born in Sicily. How she ended up in New York was because she was in an arranged marriage. So, she fled and ended up marring Salvadore Petrillo, to which they had three kids. Two daughters and a son, who was a cross dresser until his death. Dorathy had placed her in a home called Shady Pines and would often threaten to take her back if she didn’t behave. How she came to live with them was because the place burnt down and was waiting for a remodel. She then moved in with Dorothy, Blanche and Rose. To which the girls come to if they want some advice. If they ever got it, it would always start with ‘picture it, Sicily…’
Rose Nyland is a Norwegian American farm girl from Minnesota. She tells of her life on the farm and how her and her husband Charlie met. After his death she moved to Florida. With Rose, being naive, her perspective on focus and lack of intelligence, she is often portrayed as a little slow, compared to the other three. She is often the butt of almost every joke. She does however have a boyfriend, named Miles, who they make a cute couple, if they are not hiding from his ex-mob boss.
Blanche Devereaux was born a wealthy southern blue belle from Atlanta Georgia. She moved to Miami with her husband George, until his death. Now she is a man hungry, self-absorbed character who’s love life is as epic, starting from her teenage years till now. Though most of it was none believable to the other ladies. They simply rolled their eyes and shift in their seats and call her out in a lie.
So, each lady has a different outlook on life that challenges each of them to being a single woman in their golden years to come. They all come together at their dinner table, not forgetting their cheesecake and discuss their problems. They started off as strangers, then to friends which lead to a bond of sister hood.
The series had many difficulties such as the scare of aides with Rose or the choice of being a single mother with Blanches daughter. They catered to stereotyping as Sophia being a Sicilian and wanting to be known as an organized crime boss. There was even an interracial love between Dorothys son, (who’s white) and loves an older Black woman, which was considered taboo, but they came together to understand that love was love no matter the race. Even Blanches brother came out on the show stating he was Gay. Along with Dorothys friend who came to visit, to whom was Gay as well and was falling in love with Rose. The show Even had Sophias son as a cross dresser! With all of these frowned upon notions going on in the world at that time, including some today, they were teaching us to look past all the negativity and see what was really important.
Another reason I love this show is because when this came on my grandmother, and I would watch the mini marathons on the television. Years later I ended up buying the series so I could watch it any time I want.
I hope to one day have friends like this when I get older. Friends to sit around a table, with no phones, just cheesecake, coffee or any other desserts we can think of and sit around and talk. To actually have a conversation about our problems and each of us trying to help resolve it. Pure honesty amongst friends. Not having to hurry to get home to dogs, husbands, or kids. Just pure enjoyment of laughter fun and good times.
I did mention earlier that Dorothy is my favorite. I can relate to her in so many ways. Tall, socially awkward at times when it comes to dating. Love for the written word but mostly for the sarcastic and very strong will, she portrays in life.
If you have no idea as to who I am talking about, watch a few shows. I guarantee that it will bring a smirk to your face! Let me know in the comments as to what you think. Till then, have a nice day!
Have you ever been told to ‘trust your gut?’ or ‘trust your instincts?’
Have they ever been wrong?
Weel, if you follow your gut, it just means that you are following a physical feeling that your body has on a certain person, place or object. It also makes you feel if you are right or wrong about something. Then again if its good or bad it could be the experiences of what you went through to have that feeling.
Then there is your intuition which is an ability to know without a reasoning or an explanation.
There are some who would say it’s your anxiety talking. Well, there is a difference between the two. The way you can tell is as to how long the “symptoms” last. A gut instinct will happen immediately for a short period. Anxiety would last longer than it needs too.
There are people who say that gut feelings are not always right but with practice and patience you’d be able to tell the difference and know which ones to trust or to just let the feeling go.
So, like everyone, everybody has a different experience when their intuition hits. Some have a feeling deep in their pit, sensing that something is amiss. Maybe some have a light bulb that goes off at an idea or an understanding of something that just dropped out of nowhere. Then there are the ones who can read any non-verbal communications that other people won’t say.
Some people believe that these feeling are our guardian angels who talk to us. Do you remember the last “Feeling” you had? Do you remember listening to what it had to say? If you believe and if you come face to face with a difficult decision, would you stop and listen, to learn or would you ignore it?
What do you think about gut instincts? Do you trust yours or others if they have them for you? Why or why not? Let me know what you think down below.
What are my hopes for this blog? Well, the purpose of me starting this was for my own mental health. I would write every day, Monday through Friday and leave Saturday and Sunday to either relax or write my stories.
It started out that I was in a very bad place, mentally to which it led to it being physically. To which it wasn’t good for Haylee, my work, friends, or my family. So, something had to change, or I would lose everything.
So, I started this journey to make myself feel better. I then realized that the people in my life, family, friends, patients, we all have problems. Some problems to which we are too focused on the problem to find a solution, so we can heal properly.
Then there are the many personalities within my life to which each one handles everything differently. Yes, many people have different opinions and it’s alright, it’s good to be different. You will be able to learn different things on how to handle each situation if you are open to learning from it.
I want people to know that it is okay to think differently and that they are not alone. More importantly that they are not alone in anything that they come across. If they are feeling down, sad or if they have something going on in their lives. There are other people who may or may not have the same problem, but their solutions could help you within your own problem. Manly that there is hope and that they shouldn’t give up on themselves.
I even do letters to those I can’t talk to anymore. Even letters to which I wish that I could say but didn’t have the time or I didn’t know what to say. Maybe then one day I will gather up the courage to actually say what I want to say. For my peace.
There are too many lives that have been lost due to indifferences. Lost to unanswered questions. I just want to help those who don’t understand or don’t know what to do to get help. To let people know that they may seem like they are alone, and nobody cares but there is someone out there who does. You may know them, you may not but there is always someone who is willing to listen. Who knows that someone could end up being your next friend, your next support group or to whatever you need but there will always be someone for you.
I hope that one day there will be someone who sees or reads my work and realize that they are beautiful, wanted and special. That there are different options to this life. That you are not useless, that you’re important and you’re not alone.
